How to be Happy? Focus on Values rather than Goals
When most people are asked what they want in life it is usually to be happy.
Being happy or the emotion of happiness is really a just fleeting emotion.
Research shows that people who are passionate and persevere to live life aligned with their deep values tend to be happier.
That’s right.
A long term commitment to a value and showing up every day to align yourself to that value brings deeper contentment.
It’s not short term avoidance of negative feelings or blind denial of the complexity of the human condition. It is not helpful to think of happiness in black and white terms of being ‘happy’ or ‘sad’.
Contentment might be a better term. Being content with your life is one where you are aware and mindful of your inner experience and then take small, daily steps to stick to your values.
What are Values?
Values are our deepest desires, what is important to us and direct how we want to show up in the world. They give our life meaning and purpose. When we are truly connected to our values, we are clear on what we stand for and our behaviour reflects the values we hold.
Goals are different from values in that we can hit a goal in the short term and experience the accompanying high and then low. When you live connected to values rather than goals you can feel much more meaning and purpose to life.
Everyone holds different values and they can change slightly depending on where we are in life. However values tend to be overarching and longer lasting compared to goals.
(By the way, there are no right or wrong values and some may not even be relevant for you.)
Here are a few questions for you to reflect on:
What are your values? What is really important to you?
What do you want your life to stand for?
What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person?
How do you want to be in your relationships with others?
How do you want to show up everyday?
What are you currently doing that doesn’t align with your values?
What small steps can you take that would be more aligned to your values?
The values from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT pronounced like the word act) first introduced by Dr Steven Hayes include:
Family relationships
Marriage / Intimate relationships
Friendships / Social relationships
Work / Career / Success
Education / Training / Personal development
Health / Fitness / Physical Wellbeing
Recreation / Fun / Leisure
Parenting
Spirituality
Community / Citizenship / Nature
Take a moment to reflect on what your life would look like if you were aligned with your values.
Would you try harder to be a present and connected parent?
Would you commit to a morning walk before you start work as a non-negotiable?
Would you check in with your friends through text or email when you think about them rather than putting it off?
When I think of values, the new President-elect Joe Biden comes to mind.
We can learn so much from Joe. It is evident that his values include empathy, vulnerability, servitude and community.
From losing his wife and young daughter only a day before being sworn into office to losing his son to cancer. He has overcome some of the most traumatic and troubling events.
It is evident that he has a strong connection to his purpose in life, he fills his days doing what reflects his values and has a bigger vision for his life. Goals might be motivating but they are short lasting, with dizzying highs and lows that do not bring contentment for the long term.
Think of your values as being a kind of north star, giving direction to all that you do. Once you are more aware of what you hold important in your life, you can become mindful throughout the day to your actions and whether they align to your values.
Passion and perseverance are the two qualities at the heart of grit. Joe Biden has shown over and over that he has the grit to succeed. I personally find his story very inspiring and I believe he will be a powerful and effective role model to a deeply divided nation. He has a lot of work to do and there will be plenty of hurt opponents to convince.
One of the biggest lessons in life is that a life well-lived is one that faces rather than avoids life's challenges.
We cannot live a life without coming up against discomfort, disappointment, loss or worry. It is an inevitable aspect of loving, being loved, having hope and growth. To be able to grow is to be able to normalise discomfort, to sit with it rather than avoid it or deny it. To view obstacles as challenges rather than existential threats. To be able to see the bigger picture and look outside of our own needs at times.
ACT is a therapeutic approach that suggests that the key of long term success in life is to live mindfully and take small, committed actionable steps towards our deep values.
This modern, effective therapy combines mindfulness and CBT approaches in order for you to make long lasting changes to the way you think, feel or act.
Book your free initial consultation with me today here to talk about how ACT therapy can help you live a life full of purpose and contentment.